Two words to make great conversations

by Byron Woodson II

I was reading the book "Six Blind Elephants" by Steve Andreas. I really like his content and style. He has a unique ability to shed light on some of the most complex things like the structure of values and self-image. The book, Six Blind Elephants, is about epistemology. That is the study of how people know what we know.

The subject of how people know things and create categories is interesting and important for people doing therapy, and networking and marketing too. Deft use of these two words is also helpful for anyone looking to rescue a conversation from the abyss of boredom.

Well, maybe not that powerful, but the two words he mentions are specifically chosen for how they take or aim our brains and thoughts in different directions . Using either of these two words will invite the person you are talking with to talk more, and even maybe about something entertaining to them and to you. The two magic words are "like" and "important".

Not groundbreaking huh? Well, wait until you hear what they do.

Let's say they're talking about their favorite teddy bear. If you ask them what they like about the teddy bear then they'll give you a few of the details of the teddy bear. If you ask them what is important about the teddy bear, they will start to talk about how they fit that teddy bear into their world.

If you paid extra-close attention, you would have seen the word 'like' (or dislike) encourages a person to chunk-down and think about the details of whatever they're talking about. Just the opposite, the word 'important' encourages a person to chunk up to a broader kind of thinking, and look at their bear, or whatever they are talking about, and look at the item from the larger viewpoint. The important (no pun intended) thing here are the directions that these words send a person's brain when you ask those questions.

Of course, someone can do just the opposite. When you ask what they like about their car, they can start to talk about 'safety'. Safety is both a higher value (larger thinking) but it's a feature of the safety mechanisms of the car. When they say they they think their xm radio is important, they're also going down in the opposite direction. The point is, that these words elicit responses in those specific directions.

By deliberately asking someone what they like about something and how that is important to them, you'll be learning more about the values they have. You'll also be enhancing their experience of the conversation as they get to talk about what they like and find important, (or moan and complain about what they don't like).

If you want to move to another topic, again because you're bored, then you can use the word like in a different way, by asking them "what else is like that", this could be in response to them talking about the details of something they love (xm radio, the buttons on the bear, etc) or the values that they appreciate about that item (safety, cuddliness). Asking them about something with similar characteristics or other things that satisfy a value will help you broaden your conversations with them.

My last couple of posts have focused on communication, the next few will talk more about networking and networks, but for now . . .Enjoy.

Offering more than what you have to offer

by Byron Woodson II

When you go to networking events, many networking conversations start like "I have this to offer" and "I can do this". This type of introduction is par for the course, we simply tell everyone what we can do.

In marketing circles, they found that this is not enough. What you want to start doing is saying not only what you have to offer, but also what you want to get accomplished, and what problems you want to solve. We need to start introducing ourselves in ways like "I want to accomplish X" or "I solve these kinds of problems."

Who would you rather have as your accountant:

A who says: "I am an accountant"

or

B who says: "I make it easier for people to do what they have to by managing their accounting in business and personal life."

I'll bet you would want to talk to B, and use their services. By offering not only what you have to offer, but to also fit what you have to offer as satisfying some need or solving some problem, the person you are introducing yourself to is much more likely to find your services at least interesting, if not wanted and needed.

By presenting what you can do as solving a problem of theirs or the people they know, you more than meet them half way. They don't have to do the intellectual leg-work to find out whether your services are useful to them. You've just told them that whatever you do, helps them do what's important. And that's always important.

When you say something like "I'm am X" or "I can do Y", they have to think to themselves whether they need an accountant. Make it easier for them.

But when you say something like "I make it easier for people to do what's important to them by doing Z for them" then they are more likely to think of Z (whatever you do) as getting in the way of doing what's important to them. Of course they'll need your help to solve that problem!

Friends = Happiness

by Byron Woodson II

I saw a nice little ditty of a post on Slate.com about how to be happy by basically being a netweaver. The blog that I pulled it from is about cultivating happiness. A woman journeys through life diligently applying all of the self-help and happiness tips she can find.

These are a few (seven) tips that she found in relationship to friendships. If you do these things consistently, then you will experience more joy and happiness in your life.

1. Show up
2. Join a group
3. Form a group
4. Say nice things about other people
5. Set a target
6. Make an effort to smile
7. Make friends with friends-of-friends

The blog itself is worth reading because of a few useful links it has. What i didn't find was an article about how happiness spreads locally from NPR, which i'm sure i saw originally on slate.

Networking and Netweaving questions

by Byron Woodson II

I wrote in my last post about the seven levels of networking. In it I started to describe the differences between the various strategies for networking. I wanted to supplement that with something a little easier to digest. What I present below is the same seven levels, but instead of having a description, these are questions that networkers can ask themselves to determine the kind of networking they're doing.

Networking Questions
1. Siphon - what can your network do for me?
2. Tap - what can you do for me?
3. Exchange - what can we do for each other
4. Provide - what can I do for you?

Netweaving Questions
5. Give - what can my network do for you?
6. Integrate - what can our networks do for each other?
7. Weave - what can those networks do for each other?

You'll see in the first set of questions, the person asking themselves these questions hasn't started to think about their own network as a resource for others. Their awareness of networks and networking is limited to themselves and other people. However, netweavers, who ask themselves the second set of questions, immediately start thinking of themselves as part of a network, and look to offer people assistance from people in their network.

The suspicious part of you may be thinking "if you're giving all the time, how do you get benefits from this?" The assumption I'm making, and I encourage you to make it to, that at first you should give freely, that is not seek anything in return. But if you just give and give to someone, then you either ask them for a scratch-back, or stop giving to them. For the most part, people who have been helped feel a little indebted to the person that helped them. So when they get a call asking for assistance with something, they'll be willing to help.

Enough of that, this isn't supposed to be a long essay on the balancing of netweaving, rather this post is a tool to help you diagnose just where along this continuum between siphoning and weaving you are.

The 7 Verbs of Networking and Netweaving

by Byron Woodson II

So, we hear the word networking all the time. It could be in the world of personal branding, professional networking, dating or even dealing with your home computer. It seems as if it is almost its own religion! For the most part, you'll be interested in networking in the form of professional and business relationships. But 'networking' has a lot of gradations that many people are not aware of.

I said it, all 'networking' is not equal. The quality of your networking has a lot to do with what your attention is on when you 'network'. To help distinguish the green from the orange, I've come up with the seven verbs that help diagnose the kinds of networking you do. These are arranged from worst to best, so strive for big numbers.

Networking Verbs
1. Siphon - someone siphons a person's network when they continually ask their contacts or connections for favors. If you ask everyone to pass along your resume or business card, but don't pass others', then you're siphoning value from that network.

2. Tap - when you don't go all the way to a person's network, but you are using the skills, advice and clout of your first-level connections, then you are simply tapping into your network.

3. Exchange - giving is better than recieving, but recieving is just as good. At the very least what you want to strive for in dealing with people in your networks is an effort toward reciprocity where you pay back favors and do favors that eventually get paid back. Even so, remember that expecting repayment is bad form.

4. Provide - when you pass along business, information, advice and skills to people in your network, you are literally providing them, and your network, with whatever resources are at your disposal. The focus here is to be generous with information that you receive and have at your disposal. You know you've arrived here when you start to become a 'go-to' person for people seeking out expertise and connections.

Netweaving Verbs
5. Give - giving differs from providing in that providers give of themselves, givers give others. The difference is whether you personally have the resources (providing) or you are passing along the resource of your network (giving). When you introduce people and make connections between others, you are weaving together a network, not just making and managing connections.

6. Integrate - when you look and see opportunities for the people in your network to interact with other people in your network on a group-to-group basis, not just an individual basis, that is integration. Passing individuals into other networks we could think of as assimilating someone into another group. Integrating groups takes meshing sets of people together.

7. Weave - At this level, you look to interconnect the networks that others participate in with other networks, that is the highest level of netweaving. At this level, you are not among the people being woven. If you bring your group to integrate with another group, you're in the larger network. Weaving takes putting two groups that you are not a critical part of together. Whereas giving is the entryway into netweaving, this would be considered benevolence.


It is probably a bit obvious that nobody will say to you 'I want to siphon your network', but if you are tapped many times without some kind of exchange then what they're doing is siphoning you and your network. What you want to start to do is assess which level you are on and, again, strive for big numbers!

Referrals and Netweaving

by Byron Woodson II

A few days ago Networking guru Ivan Misner wrote this blog about referrals. In it he make an argument for treating people well because you'll never know who is going to be your next referral. While I agree, that's not the whole story. In the world of business, referrals are a two-way street. Lawyers recommend accountants who recommend them, and vice versa.

For the most part, we have this notion that if someone refers someone else, they're a trusted and trustworthy person. And while this idealized world may be the case, but business is still business. So while you keep your eye on the ball about treating people right so they may think of you and refer you in the future, keep your other eye on the nature of the referrals in the network. What do I mean by that?

Well I just said it, weren't you listening? If the bread and butter of gaining business is referrals, then what you have to do is become a referral machine. That is you have to pass along as much business to as many people as possible. You scratch backs, yours gets scratched.

This particular spin on making referrals sounds a little callous and manipulative, but it exemplifies my larger point about the nature of networks and netweaving. By consistenly bringing more and more people together, whether through business lunches, dinner parties or after-work events, you become a referral guru. And at the center of this network, you'll inevitably gain more clout and business.

Your connections will make connections with your other connections. This is networking, making interconnections between people. This can be for the purpose of business, social, organized around passions or all three. The key is to bring in as many people into your (referral) network as possible, and let them make the connections. When people make connections during your events, or through you, those are referrals!

The Engine and Fuel of a Network

by Byron Woodson II

I often hear people say 'I need to start networking', and 'I have to build a network'. Shoot, I even think that to myself sometimes. But that's putting the proverbial cart before the horse. That's just like saying you want to build a non-profit or a business, but you have no idea around which to build it!

People create networks around some central idea. Networks don't happen simply because people want to network. Networks happen because people want to network for some reason. If you want to build a house, you talk to loan officers, contractors, materials suppliers etc. When you have an idea, say to build a business, then you talk with business planners, lenders, customers and suppliers.

The conversation going in and around a network is the glue that holds a network together. The strength of your networks depend on how well those conversations you have facilitate the goals of your networking.

When you're in a business, the conversations you have are about producing a product or providing a service. When that conversation breaks down, business suffers and the business (a network) dissolves. When you move that conversation effectively, the business prospers. In that business, you go to industry conferences, dinners with clients, meetings with prospects, these are all networking events.

So when you network, you have to generate conversation around a particular goal or idea. When you identify your goals and ideas, then go network, it'll be way more productive and fun.

Keystone, connectors and netweaving

by Byron Woodson II

Keystone species are species that have a dramatic impact on their environment. For instance, bears transfer a lot of energy by eating salmon from the rivers, and throwing the scraps on land. Other species then take the scraps, move further from the river bank and feed. Other species then feed on what they left, etc. So by a bear throwing its scraps on land, other species actually fuel the energetic cycle of the river bank. Take away the bear, the ecosystem falls apart.

In human social networks we also have keystones. The person that tends to know everyone, is on a couple boards, and even encourages people to join their and other boards. There are the people who pass along job information or business opportunities. These people are keystones in their social networks. If you take these people out, the network around them isn't as dynamic, and it may unravel. Malcolm Gladwell calls these keystones 'connectors'. Connectors aren't people who are simply connected, they consciously introduce people to one another.

If you want to be a networker, make connections for yourself. If you want to be a netweaver, make connections between other people. By introducing people, you're not just passing along job information and business opportunities, you're developing the relationships that can lead to these. It's the difference between buying a vehicle to go over a rocky hill versus paving a road. If you buy an offroad vehicle, only you can get across the rocky hill. If you pave the road, many people can travel on it. And just like highways link towns and cities, more connections can be made, i.e. more travel and commerce happens, because of the paved road.

So when you meet someone, start to think who you know that they can help, or vicer versa.