How to Make Old Friends in Ten Minutes

by Byron Woodson II

Sometimes you meet someone, and you hit it off instantly. Something seems to 'click' with both of you and you two start talking like excited cheerleaders for what seems like hours on end, even if it is only for ten minutes. You feel as if you known each other for years. What's happening? And how can you make that happen more often?

Well, two things at least. First is, you are interested in the same things. This is especially if you have the same opinion, i.e. who is better, Mariah or Whitney. Feeling as if you known someone for a long time instantly doesn't require the same opinions, just an interest in the same topics.

Second, you have your timing down.

Usually, when you hit it off with someone, they can complete your sentences, they start talking when you do (or you start talking when they do), you laugh at that and other things.

What's happening here goes under the canopy of rhythm. The rhythm I'm talking about is the rhythm of the back-and-forth nature of the conversation, not the rhythm or cadence of a person's voice. It's like playing catch, you throw, I throw, you talk, I talk . . . except that now it turns into juggling with two bowling pins since you can both talk at the same time!

Build Conversational Rhythm
In salsa, the man leads the dance, the woman follows. Having learned salsa (by going to classes with my mom) I know first hand how hard it is to lead the whole time. The same way it is hard to have a one-way conversation. In salsa, you are dancing to the beat of the clave, so you could say that the clave is leading the dance. Anyhow, in a conversation, different from Salsa, the lead (who talks) goes back and forth.

What happens in most of the conversations where you feel as if you've known someone forever, even when you've just met them, you exchange the lead of the conversation back-and-forth fluidly. In these conversations, both you and they want to talk, but you let the other person speak. It's like going through sets of doors when one person holds it for the next person to walk through, then that person holds it for the other, repeat ad infinitum. The time between when one person stops speaking and the other person starts is minimal when you're excited, and could be hours if you both enjoy comfortable silences.

The way to build an old relationship in ten minutes is to pay attention to how and when the other person wants you to respond to them, or when they want you to say your own piece. And instead of simply fitting into their rhythm the whole time, give them some of your own. You have to start talking and signaling them to respond to you. The intent is not to give up leading the conversation altogether, either in topic or rhythm, the point is to lead for a while, then follow for a while, then lead for a while, then follow for a while. Repeat. It's like opening doors for each other.

Start talking when they do, then forget what you were saying
Another thing to help both of you feel as if you've known each other for years is when start talking the same time you do, let them go. The next critical step is to forget all about what you were about to say. You do this by listening to what they are saying intently, as if you're awed by it. Ask them a couple questions while you're at it.

Why do this? Because nobody likes talking to someone who is just waiting to get their own point across. They talk because we want to be listened to. By listening intently to whatever that person has to say, you're signaling that you're interested in what they have to say. By forgetting what you had to say, you're signaling that you're so interested, that your own point isn't as important (even though you think it might have been).

There's not many good feelings as the one where someone likes what you have to say so much that they forget what they were about to say. So be generous and give people those feelings.

Ask them questions
Also, when you listen to what they are saying, ask them questions about it. People love to be on their little soapboxes, even for little speeches. When you ask them questions, it's like you're giving them an encore for their intellectual performance. When you ask them good questions, questions that indicate you're listening to what they're saying, it's like inviting them back for another performance. (more on this here and here)

Tell them it feels like you've known them forever
Only do this if it really feels like you've known them forever. When we get into these conversations, someone inevitably says "it feels like I've known you forever". When the other person says "it does!" then the depth of the relationship is almost forever sealed. It's like getting married. When you both agree to this fact, it is forever declared. Well, maybe not as deep as marriage, more like 'going out' with someone, but significant nonetheless.

Or
you could just buy them ice cream. Almost everyone loves icecream.

What next?
Invite them to meet the people you know. When they know all your friends, associates, co-workers and/or volunteer buddies, then it's really as if you've known them for a long time.