Being Someone Worth Liking

by Byron Woodson II

In the book The Hidden Power of Social Networks, Rob Cross, an organizational network consultant, outlined five characteristics of people that he found who energized the people around them. You know, there are some people that are dead-weight when it comes to business, and some people that are superstars. He deftly cleaves and talks about the separation between these two kinds of people, and tells us what the superstars do to be superstars.

What's special about his five criteria are that they are 'other-centered'. There are lots of books and blogs on the market about marketing, putting your best-foot forward, self-help and the like. Some of these are mostly focused on what the reader or speaker can do, say etc. Cross, breaking from the pack instead, talks about what kind of experience the speaker leaves their audience with, whether it's a one-on-one evaluation or a meeting with 20 people.

He outlined five things that an audience experiences when talking to someone who energizes them. I'm summarizing them here so you can start to assess how well you do these things.

Full Engagement
First up, we have full engagement. What this means is that the listener/audience has the experience of the speaker being fully engaged in the conversation. This goes beyond simply just listening. Through the conversation, by asking probing questions, responding head-on to concerns and dealing with whatever the other person has to say, the speaker is fully engaged in the conversation. And . . . the audience knows it. That's full engagement.

Compelling Vision
Also important is for the speaker (I'm saying speaker, but this could be a boss, parent, child or stranger) to come to the conversation (even if it is a speech) with a compelling vision. Off-handedly mentioning a few things and talking about something that isn't organized, well, that's not compelling. What's important is not that it is compelling for the speaker, but that whatever the conversation is, that it is communicated in a way that the listener or audience understands its importance and relevance to them.

Meaningful Contribution
Next up we have a meaningful contribution. Keeping our attention on the experience of the listener, an energizing person leaves people with the experience that the conversation was a meaningful contribution for both parties. Even in a speech, having the audience experience gratitude for the opportunity to speak satisfies this. In a conversation, when the audience and co-conversationalists experiences that they contributed information, motivation or perspective to the energizer, they feel a sense of contribution. So when you talk to people, family or coworkers, you want to focus your attention on how that person experiences themselves in the conversation and in the context of your vision.

A Sense of Progress
Spinning wheels is no fun, unless you're doing doughnuts at midnight of course. In conversations, the same principles apply. You want to get somewhere. Cross found that people who energized others tended to leave the other person with the sense that progress was made in the conversation. This wasn't simply a rote summary of what was covered, but the experience throughout the conversation that the conversation was getting somewhere.

Belief in the Goal
Only last in the list, but intertwined with the rest is a belief in the goal. President Obama and the Democratic Congress had a terrible time in convincing the Republicans in Congress to get on board with the 'stimulus plan'. One thing that is critical in leadership is the ability to have the people you talk to understand the importance, relevance and attainability of what you talk about.


These five things help charaterize both what to have your attention on. They also help with stage-fright and nervousness. Stage-fright and nervousness are emotions connected to how you feel about how you do, not how other people are impacted by your communication. By slowly but surely focusing on these things, you'll be out having fantastic conversations in no time.


Questions for Action:
Who do you know does three of these for you?
Who is one person you not been practicing all of these with?
When and how would you start using these distinctions in your conversations with them?

So this blog was about what you should focus on when you're talking. Be sure to brush up on your listening skills and introducing yourself.

Happy Monday!